A Random Something

The Duet

2012-02-01T21:18:00.001-08:00

Love and loss. The two seem to be familiar pieces of living in this world, yet they are so powerful. They mark many many hearts and people measure their lives by their marks. Both are deep and can be cutting, but both can be beautiful in their own special way. Both are intense, but both have the ability to surprise you.

Lately, I have been contemplating the feelings these two particulars seem to evoke within mankind. Their very impact leaves footprints that last for decades and many of these footprints never fade away into the sands of time. They are always there, little reminders of things past, present, and sometimes hope for a future.

I am not unfamiliar with the two. They have not spared me. Each have taught me their own lessons, some harsher than others, but some more cherished. The pair together have taught me wisdom, prudence, passion, courage, perseverance, reverence, faith, and countless other qualities. Each one has given me a gift, more than once. I only hope that I am a diligent pupil and good steward of the lessons and qualities I have acquired.

The Written Word

2012-01-29T22:18:00.001-08:00

As I lie here I think about modern technology. Communication has come so far along, yet digressed so quickly. To have instantaneous conversation at your fingertips is altogether commonplace nowadays. Sending a facebook message, a text, or a tweet is the fastest form. Writing an e-mail and skyping is simple and easy, lightning fast and unsophisticated. Simply click a button and “you’ve got mail.”

I find it difficult to imagine that the only form of long distance communication one had at one point in time was that of a letter. To think that people waited months for a response to a single letter! How they cherished those words so much is astounding compared to the messages sent and received today. They valued a single written communication much more highly than any of us in the Western first world countries do now.

I think that we forget sometimes that things we write to each other are important. I think we forget that we as people are important and sometimes taking the time to write something down on paper can be a special and surprising reminder of just how much we care.

I myself have received only one paper and ink letter in my lifetime. I remember it’s message better than any one of the thousands of e-mails I’ve received. I cherish it more than the hundreds of facebook messages. It is more real to me than any of these electronic words I read on my screen. To hold a letter in your hand, knowing that someone took the time to write it out and mail it to you just makes you feel special somehow. It’s an “old fashioned” gesture, but one that in my little world is exceptionally profound.

Life is Never Straightforward

2012-01-28T21:08:00.001-08:00

Some days I wonder if it will all work out. Will all my plans go accordingly? My mind continually feeds its own concerns and thoughts with the phrase “Nothing is certain.”

Honestly, no one can tell me how my life is going to work out and I don’t really know if I would want to know, if I had the option. But some days I wish I could see ahead a little bit and be reassured that I’m alright. That I’m on the right course, so to speak.

My life is not one of normality and I’ve learned that nothing is what it seems. There is always something else to be seen behind what you initially see, good or bad. Behind my “plans”, which are more like abstract ideas, there is always a wishing for good and a safety in case something bad happens. I don’t know why I do that, but I do.

I often wonder at mankind. I marvel at the complexity with which we as human beings are comprised. We are not simple, but we are. All we want is love, security, and the basics of life. Yet, we are driven so often by so many unseen factors that we don’t recognize that we are just looking for the simple things.

Sometimes I ponder what lies behind my own thoughts and actions. I wonder what is motivating me to make these choices, say these words, and act upon them. What makes me choose to go on a walk in the middle of a freezing rain? What makes me talk about things I would rather not? What makes me play guitar for hours on end?

I have not yet begun to discover all of who I am, let alone say I have one little piece of the market on knowing others. I imagine that I will not wholly know myself by the time my life is complete, but I am willing to find out what I’m made of between here and there. I know that I will find out unpleasant things, but I so desire to find the good, shine it up, and share it. Although things may never be what they seem, I want to be honest, real, and good. Even if I don’t know what’s coming ‘round the bend.

Twenty to Two

2012-01-26T22:39:00.001-08:00

It is late and so I read. I read words written to and for me. They are words written about me and who I am. Words of love, words of wisdom, and words of peace flood my heart. Reading them gives me hope and a wave of calm washes over me as my mind comprehends the letters as they create the words and sentences my eyes so restlessly take in.

I gently think upon them. If I think too hard the meanings are driven away and the details blurred into a mass of pressure and fear. It’s like a sculptor as he sculpts the face of a great beauty, too much pressure and the face is ruined, deformed into a mound of wet, sticky clay. No, instead he gently glides his fingers across the clay, smoothing out the lumps, and creating the complexion of a goddess, flawless and pure. Such is the gentleness of my thoughts. I dare not think too hard for I do not want to ruin their purity with too much pressure.

The gentle rain on the rooftop only adds to the whimsical mood that so appeals to my wandering, sleepless mind tonight. It reminds me of so many beautiful moments throughout my young life. We seem to have a love affair, the rain and I. It inspires and delights me so easily and is every ready to grace me with it’s presence in response to my childish delight. Tonight, I welcome it gladly, as it’s steady symphony keeps me company as I read.

A Choice

2012-01-22T20:55:00.001-08:00

I spoke to a friend today. He, without knowing it, reminded me of the goodness I’d experienced in the Northland. Sadly enough, I’d forgotten a lot of it until he refreshed my memory on some things. I’d forgotten how much fun I’d had. I had been so distracted lately by the bad things and focusing on what I’d lost and have been left without, that the good seemed to be a fuzzy memory that needed some sharpening up. In looking back, the positive most definitely outweighed the negative. I had just lost sight of that and needed a friendly reminder.

It’s funny how we as human beings seem to remember, and hold on to, the bad much more strongly than the good. Sad actually. Is that because when we get hurt it goes so much deeper that we remember it better?

I’m reminded of childhood. So many of us, when we were young, were hurt by one good friend or another. Maybe someone said something cruel, we were bullied, weren’t the favourite, or were simply forgotten about. Yet, majority of us had a lot of good friends, great friends, and best friends. But so many of us forget so easily those good friends and remember so clearly those who hurt us. At least I know I do.

I wonder what in human nature makes us so. We retain our hurts so long, so passionately, and with such fervour that we let them overwhelm us and many times define certain pieces of us. Why? I don’t have an answer to that.

But wonderfully enough, we have the choice not to let those hurts, bad relationships, and unfortunate experiences define us or rule our lives. We can forgive. We can heal. It is possible. No matter how painful, we can overcome. Sometimes, we just need the reminding.

A Sentiment

2012-01-20T07:42:00.001-08:00

My heart is happy. I’m on a high. Somebody pinch me and tell me I’m not dreaming. :)

The Silent Sighs

2012-01-18T15:02:00.001-08:00

There is something beautiful about being alone in a house. The prospect of a day filled with quiet and solitude enhances and stirs the possibility of an uninterrupted atmosphere of peace. That is of course if you’re in the mood for it.

I find myself needing peace and quiet a lot more often than I used to. Even loud music has the ability to send my nerves to the other side of irked. I was once told that I would be able to find the peace in the chaos and crowds. When it was said I giggled softly to myself because, at the time, chaos and crowds were what I thrived on. To be in the middle of a noisy mess was what pumped me with energy. I never wished it to settle down or to find peace in it all. If anything, I would rather stir it up to crazier proportions!

Now, I sit and I wonder if that will come about soon and how I should go about practicing this talent without fraying what’s left of my peace to shreds. To find peace in the chaos would be a beautiful and very handy tool, especially now-a-days. I wonder if I’ll get back to the enjoyment of the craziness and chaos. For now though, I am happy with the stillness. It soothes me.

Oh what a girl will do!

2012-01-17T18:00:00.001-08:00

Little E, the baby in the house, who is rather old to be called a baby going on two and all, has a new baby-doll. She’s inherited her from her Grandma Mo, who first laid eyes on her at age 5.

The baby-doll’s name is Cathy, but little E simply calls her “Big Baby.” Reason being? Cathy is as big as, if not bigger than, Little E. Little E cares for her as though she were her own and decidedly tells everyone she’s “Big Baby’s Momma.”

Tonight she took Big Baby over to Aunt Jule’s house for dinner. The agreement was that Little E could take Big Baby if she promised to carry her in and out from the house to the car. So, the promise was thoughtfully, but very swiftly made.

Off went Big Baby and Little E to Aunt Jule’s for dinner. Big Baby sat quietly on the kitchen floor next to Little E as she ate her dinner with all the other kids. Big Baby was carried up and down the stairways (with some help from the bigger kids), around the playroom, across the living room and into the hallways. At one point in the evening a crash and a bang was heard in the stairwell. Little E began to cry and those around thought Little E had fallen down the stairwell. But Little E’s tears were not from pain of her own, but for the pain of Big Baby as she bounced and rolled down the stairwell.

Little E was faithful to her promise to carry Big Baby in and out of the house. She did especially well considering the wind tonight is strong enough to easily blow Little E away without the added imbalance that Big Baby creates. And you know what, Little E did it all with the biggest smile a little girl could have. All for the love of a doll, who is now cozied up beside our faithful, tender-hearted and valiant Little E in bed, warm and safe. Good job Little E!

I had time to clean…

2012-01-16T14:45:00.001-08:00

The dust bunnies under the bed didn’t escape the wrath of the vacuum wielding 20-something. Nor did the spilt powdered foundation or the dots of clean laundry fuzzies. All were consumed by the suction, all were eliminated from sight. All is again in order.

So, the question is…

2012-01-15T20:33:00.001-08:00

There is so much bubbling up. So many thoughts vying for my attention. Good thoughts mostly, but mixed in with those thoughts are the ones that bring reality front and center. All of them happen to move together in some sort of thoughtful dance. It is beautiful and frustrating all at once.

It’s funny. I’ve thought about trying to ignore my thoughts. I imagine that I’m good at it. I can think them and then pass them on by, but they always get annoyed that I’ve ignored them and come back later when I have nothing else to think about. I then retry to ignore them and the cycle continues. I guess I’m not so good at permanently ignoring them as I once thought.

But you know, I don’t think I like that anymore. I think I want to take each thought and grab hold of it. Ignoring them is a full time job and only brings sleepless nights. I’m tired of sleepless nights plagued by recurring thoughts. It gets old.

Silly me is now trying to figure out how to methodically think through each of these thoughts that I’ve ignored. I want to pay attention to each one, slowly and clearly. Putting them into some sort of organized and logical process just puts my head in a spin, but it desperately needs to happen. So, the question I’m left with is “how?”

A Simple Observation

2012-01-13T10:13:00.001-08:00

Sometimes just talking to an old friend makes your world shine :)

1:40 AM

2012-01-10T22:49:00.001-08:00

The thoughts that run through my brain at this hour are unintelligible. I know they’re there and could be something, but instead they end up as a bunch of nothings that I know could have been somethings at one point or another. At least they do not begin that way.

No, they begin as tightly wound strands of twine coming together into a rough and prickly rope. I can see them firmly spinning, winding, and grafting together into one large and sturdy cable. Suddenly, without any sort of notice, I lose sight of the rope and cannot keep track of the twine. These in turn, lose their tautness and begin to fray at every point until they are a pile of roughage on the floor.

These are my thoughts. A pile of roughage on the floor of my mind. I am too tired to hold them together and they easily slip away. The slightest disturbance sends them flying through the air, scattering them without any chance of gathering all again.

They aren’t lost forever. They are in there, in the room called my mind, just not all in one place. Some are hidden under furniture, others fallen in the cracks, some are caught up in a corner. They aren’t going to be that very same cable again. No, some new particles from other thoughts will be swept up and some old left behind in the cracks. Eventually, they’ll make new twine and a new rope. Hopefully it doesn’t form at 2 AM again, because I might want to use that rope of thoughts.

Conflict

2012-01-09T08:12:00.001-08:00

I hate it. I especially hate it when it happens with someone I love. The people that are close to me are the people I want to see happy the most. I want peace and harmony as much as possible. Conflict stresses me out so I tend to shy away from it.

Ironically, I love to debate. Although inwardly I only can when I know that I’m not emotionally or socially injuring the opponent, or so I perceive. Yet, in some strange way, in my mind, a debate is not conflict.

Everyone in this world must encounter conflict at one point or another, this I know. Most people encounter it daily. I have not escaped it either, but I still hate it. They teach courses in university about conflict management and students in elementary school are now learning it because it is so important to know.

It’s been told to me that conflict is important for growth. It is important for the health of the individuals and the working out of problems. I agree wholeheartedly. I just wish I didn’t dislike it so much.

What do I have?

2012-01-08T17:20:00.001-08:00

Today is bittersweet. I am still on a high from the mid-to-end-of-the-week catch up with many many friends. It reminded me of how very loved I am and how blessed I am to be so loved. Each one of the people I saw this past weekend(ish) is so special and it was such a joy to see them all. I smile just at the thought of them.

Then comes the sadness, knowing that I probably won’t see many of them for a very long time. Some I know that I will never see again and this saddens my heart. I love these people, each and every one of them.

Back to reality. This life here in my parent’s home will go on. My life will go on and nothing can stop it. I don’t have that power (although, it would be so incredible to be able to move time!). Today I wonder what’s in store. Do I have a plan? No. I have faith and that’ll have to hold me :)

I felt a rhyme coming on…

2012-01-04T21:00:00.001-08:00

Sulking doesn’t do me good

Nor crying any better

Sleeping leaves me grumpier

With a splitting double header

I try to follow, head held high

Like a loyal Irish Setter

But unaware of the sun up high

It leaves me turning redder

This silly thing I have inside

All tangled like a web

Will always follow me around

Until I’ve lost my step

I haven’t the slightest of ideas

Of how to let it out

But then again I have a brain

Of that I have no doubt

Oh silly girl have I become

I think I shall admit

That when it comes to my own heart

I think I’ve lost my whit

Unprecedented Sensitivity

2012-01-03T21:52:00.001-08:00

The gentle and rhythmic whooshing settles and stirs the half of me that does not beat audibly. The sudden concentration and involuntary focus becomes an awareness that keeps me calm. For a moment I cannot do anything but sit, sentient of only myself and nothing else.

Although the thoughts in my head are not altogether singular or inadmissible, I remember them clearly as though they were marked off and measured out as an unblended recipe. One overwhelming emotion battles another for space to be played out, winning only out of precise and unadulterated will. Neither my thoughts or emotions able to drown out the subtle pulsation I so clearly hear.

The fluttering of my eyelids provides a resistance to their tightly sealed condition, but not enough to change their position. The quiver at the corner of my lip ceases only once and the shaking of my hands not at all. The shivering maintains its presence well after the initial encounter and only takes its leave when forced.

All of this in a moment.

All of this in me.

All of this now a memory.

Whatever…Sort Of

2011-12-28T12:55:00.001-08:00

Here I sit at the table, ready to write. A small and curly haired blonde girl perches on my lap, happily playing with the mouse as I type. Her chattering and intermittent singing of the “Hokey-Hokey” makes me chuckle.

I’ve been wondering what to write lately. I’ve thought about posting many many times over the past several days. Each time I open a “new post” I sit and watch the cursor blink until my eyes go watery from staring so long. Nothing seems appropriate, that or it’s just not post worthy. So, we’re left with the only thing staring me in the face. That would be the odd weather. Sorry folks.

All I can think about is the snow and the lack thereof. It’s been an odd year here and the weather has been unusually warm, making for an Octoberish sort of December. Christmas came and went with no snow to make it festive. No snow banks, no snowmen, no snowball fights or snow down my back (Yes, I’m missing that. Oddly enough.).

This leads me to wonder what New Years will hold. Maybe it will actually be warm enough to go and watch fireworks! Come on warm weather!!! Plans depend on it :)

Aloft in Cogitation

2011-12-13T20:45:00.001-08:00

In an old brick building with dusty walls and worn wooden floors, I stand gazing out the old single-paned glass window situated at the far end of the upper room. The blue tinted glass is rippled and warped, reminding me of the clear turquois waters of the Caribbean. The wooden frame is simple, but rough to the touch. It reminds me in some way of the towering trees in the distant forests of the Northland. If I close my eyes, I can imagine their rugged branches brushing across my fingertips and hear their gentle whispers faintly in my ears.

From my position above the street, I watch the hustle and bustle below and wonder at each passer-by as they rush along. Where might they be headed? Do they see me in the window? I dearly hope not. I would rather gaze unattended by another’s notice. My mind is lost in it’s musings and an interruption would feign be welcome. Breathing deeply, I inhale the stale warm familiar air.

My creativity and abstract imagery have sailed away with me and I am content to let them take me wherever they would like to go. Closing my eyes, I imagine once more.

Some Shots I Took In Asia…

2011-12-12T19:29:00.001-08:00

My Enigma

2011-12-11T13:01:00.001-08:00

Sometimes opening my mouth is just not the easiest thing to do. Writing, that comes naturally. Singing, that just feels right and makes me happy. Speaking in front of a crowd, okay I don’t have to focus on any one person. But ask me to make conversation with a singular individual and I freeze.

If you ask me about myself I have a preconceived list of things that are convenient to talk about. You know, work, home, church, daily rituals, recent events and always the other person. I can do those things, but once I’ve used them up I’m lost as to what to say or how to say them. I usually end up nodding, listening, saying a lot of “mmmhmmm’s” and little to much else. I’d rather listen than speak. I’m more comfortable that way.

I’ve become excessively lazy and relied on the few individuals who know me best to be able to read my facial expressions, body languages, and eye movements in order to figure out what I’m feeling and what I’m saying to them. The poor dears. (Altho, I’m sure they would be wonderful at figuring out the endings on shows like “Lie to Me”)

This makes it hard to communicate with anyone new in my circle. New friends, new acquaintances, new co-workers, and anyone I might happen to hold a conversation with for longer than 10 minutes. Sadly, most people when they first meet me (if they stick around) tell me that they felt as if I was cold, stuck up, and distant at first. In short, a snob. Thankfully those who did get to know me (and were able to tell me this helpful information) told me that once they got to know me that wasn’t who I was at all. THANKGOODNESS! But that makes me sad when I hear it. I don’t want to be a snob! I want to be me 100% of the time, whether I’m meeting you for the first time or not.

So, I’m determined to practice and change. I want to communicate, even if I am an introvert. I have the words, they just feel overly at home in my brain and turn into wide-eyed unintelligible utterances or at best cold rehearsed phrases when they get outside of me. I want to use the voice I have.

So, next time you see me somewhere, make me practice. Talk to me longer than 10 minutes, don’t give up. I’m trying and need all the help I can. I’ve fallen into a 22 year hole and would not, if I can help it, like to keep digging.

Whose that girl?

2011-12-06T20:50:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder, “Is this mine? If so, how did I end up here? What am I doing? How has all this stuff gone on?” Some days I feel like I’ve lived a life that you read about in books.

I never thought about it until a few days ago. Someone pointed out to me some beautiful things that I’ve forgotten about. It’s funny how sometimes it takes someone else appreciating the life you’ve lived to make you realize how appreciative you could and should be. Not like that sort of pressure that says “Look how lucky you are, you ungrateful being you,” but something more along the lines of “Wow, how incredible is that for you! You are so blessed!”

I am blessed. I have lived a life that some people only imagine. I have a family who loves and cares for me. Sometimes I forget that; especially, on those days when I’m feeling selfish or annoyed at them. I have someone special whose smile makes me smile at the slightest thought of it and whose destiny is so big that I can’t help but be amazed at him.

I have been able to travel the world! I’ve seen each end of the spectrum, from rich North American suburbia and Western European class, to the poorest of the poor in the mountains and chemical waste dumps of Romania. I’ve drunk tea in the ritziest of hotels in Hong Kong amongst jewelled ladies and spiffed up men and I’ve drunk tea in the tiniest of huts in Peru amongst the dust and stench of burning rubbish piles. I’ve seen the other side of the resort fences in Jamaica, the side that no tourist ever sees, and the sickening use of human beings as sex slaves in the districts of Amsterdam. I’ve walked the streets of Germany and learned how to fall in love with a place without even trying.

I look around my memory tonight in wonderment. I recall places I’ve been and people I’ve met as if I had read them, like events written in black letters on parchment or imagined as though they were characters in a movie I’ve seen. But none of these things were made up. All of them happened to me. Each and every one. I’m glad my friend pointed this out, however unknowingly. For that, I am truly thankful.

A Brief Look Up

2011-12-05T18:36:00.001-08:00

Some days I get caught up in looking at what happened, in the memories of the past, in the misunderstanding, the sadness, the hurt and the pain. Some days I dwell on the pain longer than I should. I get bitter and get more hurt, like a festering wound.

Then, someone comes along and brings a fresh perspective. They come along with the answer I’ve been crying for. They come along with the solution to the problem I’ve been bothered by. They come along and they show me the way that I knew was there, but was too focused on my hurt to recognize was staring me in the face.

One brief pause in my misguided focus can change it all. I’m not 100%, but that one brief moment pushed me closer to an honest answer of hope than all the focusing on it could ever do. That little decision to take a second look and give it another chance can make the world of difference. I’m not healed yet, but I’m on my way thanks to that special someone.

God Bless This Mess

2011-12-02T20:59:00.001-08:00

Tonight, after a very long day, filled with aggravation, something happened that lightened the mood considerably.

Folks, the washing machine exploded.

Now, it might not sound like a good end to a long day. It might sound as though it would be just the thing to push you over the edge. But it wasn’t. It was quite the opposite actually. It brought on quite the amusing scene.

I mean seriously. Whose washing machine just explodes water, shooting it up the ceiling, out the sides and drenching all the walls and floors?! Well, ours did. It was hysterical! (Our washing machine is conveniently located in the basement, so nothing was really damaged outside of some old junk whose days were numbered anyhow.)

There was water EVERYWHERE!! We sopped it, mopped it, and wiped it up as best we could, laughing at the thought of the H2O explosion. We used blankets, towels, 2 mops, several rags, and an unreliable squeegee on a stick. We pushed, soaked, and dabbed up all traces of water off our belongings (and the floor) and guided the streams into the sump pump.

Thankfully, we had plenty of helping hands to clean it up…and a lot of humour to make the time pass quickly. I would definitely do it all again :)

One Day…

2011-11-25T15:04:00.001-08:00

There is a line from a song that has been in my head for days. I sing it over and over like I’m an ipod stuck on repeat.

“Without you, I’m not breathing…”

That’s it. That one sentence. It has made me think and think about what is important to me. What do I value in this life? Why am I here? Who is so important to me that if I didn’t have them in my life, I would feel as though I could not breathe?

When I was younger I would just rattle off a list that would include all of my friends and family, probably the nearest pet, and any and every person I happened to have met that day/week. Now it’s a little more focused. I cut out the pets, the random strangers, and some of those friends who just aren’t anymore. My circle is small. I like it that way, but it still becomes smaller when I think of those who are closest to me.

I wish I had the words to tell those beautiful people how much they really matter, but I always end up chickening out or sounding so cheesy that it’s unreal. I’m awkward in real life. Words out of this mouth seem to blunder their way across the air and land smack into unknown what-the-heck-is-she-talking-about territory. Circles are common when it comes to conversation. I’m still learning to accept that and incorporate a little more elegance, grace, and clarity when able. It’s a journey.

I write much better than I speak. One day I’m going to write a book with a line or a song with a lyric as impactful as this one. Maybe I’ll be able to evoke someone else’s thoughts by the words I write. Maybe they’ll think about who is important in their lives. Maybe they’ll realize who they are. Or maybe they’ll just like it. Anyone of these things would be alright with me.

Roll Out the Re-learn

2011-11-23T21:48:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow is American Thanksgiving. It doesn’t feel like it. The warm thankfulness of the day just hasn’t crept up into me yet. You know, that “feeling” where you’re just thankful for every moving (and immovable) thing around you. I really admire that feeling, but it doesn’t seem to be here yet.

I wonder where it went?

I look around me and so much of the focus isn’t on the thankfulness of the day. It’s all about the food, the football, and the Friday after. How many deals we can get and who wins the game seem to be more important than family and the important things in life. When and why did we get so off kilter and focused on the stuff?!

It strikes me that I’ve been waiting for this “thankful feeling” to hit me. I’ve been focusing on so many of my circumstances and pieces of my life that I can’t control, that I’ve lost one of the very important lessons that I learnt last year.

I have forgotten to be thankful, particularly for the little things. The things like a cozy hoodie to keep the edge of the chill off, or a hug ‘just because’. I’ve forgotten to be thankful for the people that I have in my day to day life, instead of pining away for the people that aren’t here.

Maybe it’s time for this Random Girl to go back to the thankfulness drawing board. Especially as it is Thanksgiving and all.

All in that one moment.

2011-11-19T21:57:00.001-08:00

You know those days that start out absolutely terrible and just slowly get worse, eventually crashing and burning by the time the end of the day arrives? Well, I am happy to announce that this day was not that sort of day. This was the sort of day that only got better as it went on.

Yes, today was a manic day, so busy that it would make one’s head spin, but a beautiful thing happened. Toward the end I felt like my world slowed down and I was just able to soak up such perfect happiness. It was as though someone decided to reach in and gently create slow motion for me. (This makes me wonder if my life could possibly be someone’s movie ….. never mind.) As I reflect on my very busy day, I love the gentle slope that was this evening. In a sense, it made all this time, all this stress, all this change worth it.

There was one singular moment that stopped me altogether and made me drink it in. It was almost like it was saying “Hello, I’m beautiful and you will love me. So, I’m stopping this craziness you’ve been calling ‘today’, making sure you’re brain isn’t thinking about anything else (so that you can pay good attention), and imprinting myself on your memory.” That moment will be locked in my heart for always. It was simple, but so extravagantly beautiful. I can’t even sum up what happened or how it happened. It just was.

I absolutely love those kinds of moments. I wish they would happen every day, but then if they did, I wonder if they would continue to be so special? I don’t think so. Instead, I’ll treasure the ones I have. They make for good memories.

The Feeling of Gratitude

2011-11-17T20:33:00.001-08:00

Anna over at Just Playing House has been doing Thankfulness November. She writes something she’s thankful for every single day. She doesn’t just write the “normal” things like family, friends, and the weather (her examples).

This inspired me. I’ve been so overwhelmed lately looking at the circumstances all around me that I’ve forgotten about the little things. The tiny joys are the ones that make life good. They are the ones we often overlook.Today, in retrospect, I am thankful for several things, but there are two that seem to be highlighted to me tonight as I write.

The first thing I am thankful for was the coffee and conversation I had with my friend K. today. She gave me perspective and calmed so many of my fears that I thought were completely abnormal. She’s good at that. She’s the kind of person who can sum up in one sentence what I’ve been trying to explain to myself for weeks.

The second thing I’m thankful for is baby giggles and noises. Today I watched my youngest niece. Just being with her and watching her laugh, smile, and make as many sounds as she’s learned thus far turned my sour morning mood around. Her lip smacks as she watched J. eat his pudding made me chuckle for ages. I still find myself smiling as I think about it.

These two things made for a kick start in my attitude adjustment. We’re still working out the details of that adjustment tonight as I type, but I am so very thankful for these two particular points in my day. Without them, things could have been so different and not positively speaking. I’m thankful they came along and changed my day. So wonderfully thankful.

What are you thankful for??

I don’t know the words

2011-11-16T21:06:00.001-08:00

I’ve heard a plethora of bad news today. And it isn’t just the kind like, I ran out of gas on the highway and had to call a tow truck, kind of bad news. It’s life altering bad news. The type of bad news that you don’t just bounce back from in a couple days or minutes.

Multiple couples losing babies. People in serious pain that isn’t supposed to be there and the Dr’s don’t understand why. Others getting the call that they have cancer. People finding themselves in a prison not of their own making. Still others coming down with sickness. All in one day. All told to me in this day. Why today? Isn’t there a way to space out tragedy or better yet, stop it from happening altogether?

I hate this kind of bad news. It breaks my heart knowing that Mom’s are going to bed not being Mom’s anymore and that people probably won’t sleep tonight because they’re in so much pain physically, mentally, and emotionally. I hate knowing I can’t fix these things or just make them go away. I can’t protect people from the pains of life and death no matter how much I want to.

I think back on the times when these kinds of things did personally impact my life and the lives of my nearest and dearest. I think of the scars they’ve left and the treasures I’ve come away with. I haven’t forgotten what it felt like.

But I can’t help but wonder. Is it wrong that I feel incredibly fortunate for the life that I have right now? Is it okay that I’m sort of relieved to know that these things aren’t happening to me today? Is it wrong to be so happy about how I have been blessed in this season? I’m finding it difficult not to feel guilty for the good I have today, knowing how bad so many someones have it on the very same day.

Tonight my heart goes out to each one of these people whose bad news I heard today, even the ones I’ve not met personally. Each one is held in my prayers for peace and comfort. I wish I could fix it, but I can’t. All I know to do is pray and that I will do.

Waiting on my world to change…

2011-11-13T01:26:00.001-08:00

I’m flying home tomorrow. Seems that this little fact and all its ramifications is all I’ve been able to think about for the last several days. Going home. Sleeping in my own bed. Getting back to drinking coffee, as my vocal chords aren’t going to be in use daily for a while. These three simple things are a delight to me.

I’m also going to move into an entire new season when I get back. My sister and her family are moving to where we are. This means that my entire family will be within an hour and a half of each other. It’s something new :) I’m also going to have to make some decisions, real ones that actually affect more than just me. Hmm…

There are so many changes in such a short amount of time it’s making my head spin a bit. I got a message from someone I visited last year about this time. It brought me speedily back to that time, that season. I suddenly recognized and began to reflect on my own life for a moment.

My life now and what my life was then are so vastly different, yet eerily similar. The people have changed. My relationships have changed. The places have changed. The every day feeling has changed. I have changed. But I’m still traveling. I’m still singing. I’m still loving on people just like I was then. So similar, yet so different.

I feel like I’ve just started to settle into the changes, but my life is going to change once more. Quickly. Completely. Almost like flipping a pancake. Just when it’s all settled and smooth, looking nice and happily cooking away, flip, new side, new season, new look. New perspective.

I wonder what this next season will hold…probably more pancakes.

Quizzical

2011-11-09T05:50:00.001-08:00

Sometimes this little feeling just won’t go away. Not that I want it to either. I quite enjoy it. But it seems to have a knack for popping up when I can do absolutely nothing to calm it. I can’t even figure out what exactly it is. I have an idea, but it is just a hypothesis with no sort of realistic facts to back it up.

It’s a vague emotion that gets stronger the more I try to ignore it. If I pay attention to it and try to figure out what exactly it is that I’m feeling, then it gets stage fright and runs away, back to wherever it came from. I don’t know the word for it because there is nothing to sum up an emotion such as this. It just is. No phrase to say or letters put in order to make a word. All I can think to use to describe it is, it’s a big mix and mess of all sorts of emotions combined into one. *Sigh* So much for figuring me out…

How Did I End Up Here?

2011-11-04T07:14:00.001-07:00

I am so blessed! Today was a day just filled with extravagance. This incredible place is where I had afternoon tea today. I felt as though I were in a dream as I walked around this beautiful hotel. I’ve never been anywhere quite so upscale before and this took my breath away!

Walking up and down the halls filled with jewels, where one necklace alone was worth more than my entire house, made me stop in wonder and awe. I would love to go back and just walk very very slowly through the halls and lobby just to take it all in.

It makes me think about those that live every day like this and can afford to have those beautiful things hanging around their necks, off their ears, and on their wrists and fingers. I wonder what it’s like and how they view the world. I think I would like to talk to one of them just to hear their thoughts about it.

This was not in the plans. I had no idea we were going there until we arrived out front and let me tell you I was flabbergasted! I totally did not expect these kinds of things on this trip or at all really. This really spurred me on to dreaming bigger than I have ever dreamt. I think my dreams are going to be about this for quite a while :)

Out My Window

2011-11-02T03:32:00.001-07:00

Blast Site

2011-11-01T08:54:00.001-07:00

Here I am, writing another post late at night because my mind is racing. I’m exhausted, but my head seems to believe itself wonder brain and has designated “no sleep” zones. Unfortunately, I’ve come upon one of them and this one includes an “I’m in a funk” side of the road, complete with a “complain for a bit” speed bump.

Harrumph. I’m half way across the world doing what I love at this very moment, but something is missing. I don’t quite know exactly what that something is. It’s something key, something important, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is. I wish I knew. I guess it’s just waiting for me to discover it. But this time, I don’t want to go find it. This time I want it to come to me and say “Here I am! I’m what’s missing!” The whole “being adventurous” viewpoint is just not happening right now.

The season of transition is here and boy is it hard this time. So much is changing. I’m not looking forward to a lot of these changes, but I cannot stop even one of them for a moment. Time waits for no man. It ploughs on whether you’ve told it to or not. And no matter how much asking, begging, and yelling I do, it won’t stop. I just want a breather, but I guess I don’t have one this time.

Poop.

In the city…

2011-10-28T17:48:00.001-07:00

So, I made it :) I’m in Hong Kong and already I’m liking it very much, although to be honest I haven’t stepped outside the apartment door yet. It’s still early in the a.m. and only 2 of us are alive at this hour.

The sun is up though and already I can feel the warmth trying to invade our cool little space and sweat us out. The view, would be incredible, unfortunately it’s covered in smog so I can only see to the tip of the bay. But at night, as I was able to experience last night, the view is BEAUTIFUL! The entire city is lit up and Disney Land sends off nightly fireworks, which you can see from the window of the living space. The bay, situated straight in front of us, was an inky black outlined by the lights strung up on the edges. Picturesque.

I would take a picture, but I’m not quite sure that you would see anything other than outlines of something or other buildings due to the smog and brightness from the sun. I’m ravenously hungry though and because this is the situation, I’m going to rustle through some cupboards until I find something to nourish this life form. I’ll post again as soon as I have internet again!

A Random Girl

Attempt to Chill Out #32

2011-10-25T21:21:00.001-07:00

I’m tired and my eyes are aching for sleep, but I’m unable to. I’m too awake to sleep, if that sentence even makes sense. In short, I’m excited about life and it’s keeping me up at night.

Unfortunately for me, these excitements are starting to hit me later and later at night! Thus causing the “keeping me up at night” phrase to be all too real. Tonight they’re starting to sink in around 12:13am. I will most likely be trying not to think about these amazing things until quite late into the night.This means that weary eyed me will be VERY tempted to be back drinking coffee in the a.m. (I haven’t been drinking it lately because I’ve been getting back to singing and this means working on not drying out the living daylights of my vocal folds/chords.)

Well, now that that’s off my chest, I might try and catch a few winks. I’ll catch you all again! Hopefully sooner than later :)

~~One day I won’t be quite so vague. One day.~~

My Dear Readers,

2011-10-24T19:05:00.001-07:00

Well, now that I’ve been home for a bit, it’s time for another trip abroad :) This time I’m heading to the far East! Asia!!!! I’ve never been there and I am very excited for my feet to meet that land and my person to experience that culture. I’ve heard so much about it, especially since my brother spent quite a large portion of time there recently. It holds a special place in my heart.

Due to this trip, which will be about a month long (including jetlag recovery time) I don’t plan to be posting very often, if at all really. I seem to have this knack of going to these places where I’m uncertain of the internet connect-ability. I hope (key word) to be able to post some pictures or something of this expectedly wonderful place, but if not, my early apologies of post-less-ness.

Love,

A Random Girl

More Than a Passing Glance

2011-10-19T21:19:00.001-07:00

There was this one moment…

I looked into their eyes and genuinely loved them. Not of myself. Not out of what I did, or anything they did. I saw them through Papa’s eyes for a second and I just loved.

That made my night memorable.

A Reminder

2011-10-16T20:10:00.001-07:00

Oftentimes we don’t realize what we have. I know that I don’t. So often, I forget to be thankful. Countless times throughout my life I’ve lost sight of blessings that are mine. I’ve gotten caught up on the little things that, in the total span of things, are not really important.

Funny, looking back over the last couple of months I’ve worried about so many miniscule details, wondering and fretting over how they would all work out. I’ve focused on things that I cannot change and on points that are not definitive enough to solve.

I’ve particularly forgotten to look around and appreciate what I have. I’ve been so worried about the future and what may or may not happen. I’ve been so focused on processing the past year and a half that I’ve forgotten to live in the moment.

I must say that I have let stress get to me, big time. I’ve forgotten one of the best lessons that I learned on my year and a half journey in the Northland, to laugh. I used to quote my friend K. D. and say, almost daily, “Be ridiculous and everything else will just work out.”

I think I might have to remind myself again that life is not so serious all the time. And maybe my blogging will be a little more light hearted that it has been recently. :)

Warm Conversation

2011-10-15T12:38:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those chilly Saturdays peppered with scattered showers and blustering wind. One that would be best spent cuddled up on the couch with a blanket, hot tea, and a chick flick. This is not how I’ve spent the day thus far, but I think I may adopt this plan for the remainder of the day.

I’ve attempted to clean and straighten my room. The attempt has failed. Sorry to report such news. I know you were hoping to hear that something was accomplished. Unfortunately, the only accomplishment was to move a suitcase from inside my room out into the hallway. I hope it grows some legs and walks itself down to the basement before the end of the day.

But, despite this lack of accomplishment in the cleaning department, I did have a lovely coffee/tea date with a friend this afternoon. We seem to be in the same season of our lives and found plenty to chat about. I’ve missed chatting to friends and found such joy in our time today. Plus, this makes things a little easier knowing that I’m not alone and I’m not a freak.

Another One

2011-10-14T17:19:00.001-07:00

Think, think, think.

Sometimes I wonder when life will get simple. I get lost in this wondering quite often these days. It would be nice to live in a fairy tale world where everything is written out and ensures a happy ending.

Then, more often than not, reality knocks on my door and shows it’s all too familiar face. Reality likes to infringe upon my wonderings quite frequently as of late and doesn’t mind rudely invading at the most inconvenient of times. Ignoring it doesn’t work, because the moment you’ve nearly forgotten about it, it barges in unexpectedly and takes over without discretion. But in this world of mine, though full of intrusive reality, I continue to hold to an air of wistfulness and dreaming.

There are still times when I like to sit and dream about what may be and where I might end up. Maybe I’ll get to have my fairy tale ending and an adventure in between here and there. But nothing is certain as yet. I guess that’s just part of my journey and my dreams.

An Inhibition

2011-10-12T21:31:00.001-07:00

Tonight I want to cry, for no other reason than my heart just feels like it. Circumstances that I wish were different aren’t, moments that I want to hold onto move on too quickly, and uncertainty clouds every thought I begin to grasp at.

Wishing things were different doesn’t help. Saying I wish they were different only reminds me that they aren’t. Feeling helpless and very uncertain invokes some anxious inner emotion that I have a twig that is on the verge of snapping in half due to the pressure of it all.

I don’t quite know what to do. My words seem like just words, not filled with anything but breath. Wasting them seems inevitable yet ignorant.

Ultimately, through it all, I can only smile. I want every moment to matter; so those brief yet utterly valuable moments are cherished. Those little moments light up my world. The smallest of gestures gives me hope for a better tomorrow, even if today may be hard. A single pleasant sentence can last all day. So even though simply wishing things were different won’t change them, praying for them might.

Moment Monitor

2011-10-11T21:04:00.001-07:00

This Random Girl has thought a lot lately. Life is changing around me completely. It will never go backwards, but always forwards, always onwards; however quickly or slowly it may seem, always onwards.

Earlier in the day, I thought life couldn’t have gone on at a more uneventful and slothful pace. Nothing in the entire day seemed to spark my excitement or even arouse the slightest sense of amusement. Then, then there was this conversation that made me smile and made my day completely worth it.

I thank God that He sends me these things. These little moments. These little happenings. Even if I only notice one of them per day, He still sends plenty of them my way. They’re like small gifts wrapped up in the various minutes of the day, just waiting for the right moment in time before they release themselves. At the perfect moment, just when you need them the most, they unfold to reveal something special, great or small. It’s only when you notice that they’re there that they truly shine and change your day.

I think I’ll be on the lookout from now on.

Fondness

2011-10-10T19:20:00.001-07:00

Today I’m inspired by friendship. The understanding and caring affinity of close friends is such a beautiful and life giving thing. Today I’m thankful for each and every one of my remarkable friends. They are wonderful and give me such joy and they are what I am most thankful for this Thanksgiving.

So, to my friends, I love each one of you. You are an incredible bunch of people and I cannot begin to express my affection for you. Each one of you makes up a beautiful portion of my life and even if we’re miles and miles apart, know that you are still thought of often and that I thank God for you always.

Wishing you a warm and loving Happy Canadian Thanksgiving.

Love,

A Random Girl

8 am on a Sunday

2011-10-09T06:00:00.001-07:00

This morning something is different. I can feel it in the atmosphere. Inside me there is an excitement and anticipation for the day. It’s as if I know something grandiose about to happen and I am very excited to find out what that thing may be.

Metaphorically speaking, I see a spark. Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I remember, or I’ve imagined that I do, two pieces of flint striking each other. At that perfect moment when the two collide a spark is fired out from amidst them. The initial clash and flash of the flint and fire give me some sort of semblance to this atmospheric feeling of vivacity that seems to be all around me at this present moment.

Not to get all religious on you, but I know that God is in this feeling today. He’s the only one who’s ever been able to inspire these kinds of feelings in me. He’s just so good at inspiration, creativity, and artistry. He has a marked presence about him and this feeling, this one is inspired by him. I can feel it.

So, I’ve decided to soak it in and let it linger. I like this feeling. I like this knowing, this excitement. It exhilarates me to the very center of my being. Who knew that this awareness could come so early on in the day!

Digestion of A Mind

2011-10-02T20:18:00.001-07:00

I am a thinker, most of the time anyhow. I do have my harebrained ideas and days where thought processing just isn’t on my priority list, but for the most part I think about things. Sometimes I think about too many things all at once, other times I think about one thing for a very long time. Funny, I don’t necessarily think things through, but I think nonetheless.

I am not generally classed as one who contemplates (as the tests show it’s rather low on the totem pole of my personality). But I do think a lot, which, in my opinion, is vastly different from contemplation. Of course, that is just my opinion with no research or solid facts to back it up. For that matter, no words to describe it to you either. So, I leave that to your own imagination and justification.

Today I was thinking about the effect I have on people. Do you ever wonder things like that? For example: How much impact am I making on this world around me? Am I reaching out to people or am I content to stay inside my own little circle? Am I going to invest or just be happy to tread social water for a little while, content not to really swim around and stir up the pool? (weird example, I know)

I wonder some days if I am doing enough; if I’m going to actually affect someone today or tomorrow. Given my recent efforts, I don’t see that a lot, on a personal level, has been happening to answer positively. I don’t generally love to meet new people. Give me time and conversation starters and I’ll get to know you a bit more, but naturally I don’t love the initial “Hello, my name is…”

Since being home from the Northland, I’ve been completely content to lock myself away of sorts and just try and “focus” on what is happening, has happened, and will happen. I haven’t gone out. I haven’t said new hellos. I’ve just thought. This thinking has lead me to the questions posed earlier. Now I ask myself, “What are you going to do about it?”

The answer??? Well, I’m thinking about it.

Quirky Disposition

2011-09-27T13:25:00.001-07:00

I’m moody today. Sitting on this couch, I feel as though I’m in the middle of the ocean and waves are tossing me everywhere. At this particular moment, I’m feeling a bit on the peculiar and humorous side of the boat (which in my mind equates to the starboard side) and the image of Captain Jack Sparrow comes to mind. I might as well don a patch and hat, conquer the beast, and search for treasure.

That said, nothing dramatic seems to be happening at the moment other than my active imagination and silly notions. Although, I do have a lonely looking Oreo patiently waiting next to the empty cup of tea that I’ve drunk hours ago. He seems to have missed the opportune time to be ingested and now patiently bides his time until the next cup is steamed up. He’s the last one of his kind and seems to know it. The others in his brigade lost the battle hours ago, but he holds out, the last one standing. The brave little biscuit!

And that ladies and gentlemen, is the only thing I have at this ridiculous moment of the day. I reflect on a cookie and make something out of it. Yikes. I need another cup of tea.

If only I could have it all year long…

2011-09-24T09:26:00.001-07:00

Autumn. It’s my favourite. It inspires me more than any other season. The things that are uniquely autumn make me smile and bring me life. These things:

Hot apple cider
The name of it! Autumn… It’s so romantic and seems to sum up the whole feeling of the season in one beautiful and sumptuous word.
The trees as they change colours
Pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks
Hay rides
Tractor rides out into the fields for apple picking
Apple picking
The cute baby pumpkin’s and squashes people put on their tables
The coolness of the weather (commonly known as hoodie-weather)

Crunchy leaves
Walking through a roadside stand to find the perfect pumpkin, bushel of apples, and flavourful brown pears

Squash soup
Red, yellow, orange, and brown leaves as they fall to the ground
Raking the leaves into a big pile
The smell of those leaves
Walking through nature and marvelling at it’s dazzling beauty
Crisp air in the mornings
Pumpkins for your front porch
Going for long drives through the hills, just to see nature
Lying under a tree, watching the leaves fall and the clouds roll by on a crisp afternoon
Gentle mists
The feel and textures of the different squashes, pumpkins, apples, pears and ears of coloured corn as you rub your fingers across them or cup them in your hands
Children playing in the leaves

I could go on and on, but this list seems to begin to describe the little things that make this season so great for me. What’s your favourite part of autumn?

A Brief Reprieve

2011-09-23T20:26:00.001-07:00

Today was a rough one, but it was spot-lit(?) by a beautiful autumn moment. I went for a short walk in the park, late this afternoon. I had a warm cup of decaf (aren’t you proud!?) hazelnut coffee and a cozy green hoodie.The rain was misty and light, making for a perfect autumn stroll.

In between our neighbourhood and the park, there is a charming wooden bridge over a small stream. Situated on the far side of the stream, but close enough to overhang the stream and it’s bridge, is a full grown willow. It’s leaves were turning a warm yellow and some of its leaves were scattered about the landscape. Some of them were floating in the stream, others gracing the sloping banks, and still others lay across the bridge splashing it’s wooden planks with colour.

I simply had to stop on the bridge and enjoy the moment. It was peaceful and it was perfect. I felt like a young child as I stood tiptoed and peered down, over the railing, to watch the gentle flow of the water. I was caught up in the tranquility of the scene before me. It was a needed moment of peace and my memory cherishes it.

Skitterish

2011-09-20T18:19:00.001-07:00

Today my thoughts scamper about as a mouse might across an open space. They fly fast, light, and with a guarded air. None of them are allowed to settle or rest to make themselves at home. I won’t allow it.

Tonite the ladies came to my mother’s. They chatted about the principle of ownership. This got me thinking about myself and about my future plans. Was I taking ownership of my life? Am I? I half answered myself that I was. Yes, of course. On the other hand I find it difficult to believe my own words.

I sit here tonite planning out what I want to do, but none of it makes sense. None of it seems to come out as I desire it to. None of it seems to have the slightest ability to be put into action. I am lethargic and tired of it all. Too tired.

I desire to be motivated. I desire to be put together. I desire to be able to say ‘This is what I am going to do’, but I don’t have anything and I am frustrated to no end. It manifests itself in the form of chaos on my bedroom floor. If only for the sole purpose of getting so frustrated that I delight in cleaning it. Pitiful. I know.

(Insert Decompression Noise Here)

2011-09-09T15:53:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow at 6am *cough, spit, choke, gasp* (trust me, I did not have a choice in the hour of departure), I embark on the trip to begin my holidays. Oh, to be travelling again :)

I am excited and ready to relax on the beach, not excited for the hours in the car beforehand. Neither am I necessarily ready to be living out of a suitcase again, as I’ve just spent the last several months in that situation, but I am ready to do some serious resting.

Hmmm, those first two paragraphs sound like a lot of whining and complaining! Like I don’t even want to go on holidays, which is a load of crap. (In case you were wondering.) Because who in their right mind doesn’t want to go on holidays?! Especially one spent relaxing on the beach cultivating a nice honey brown colour for your skin! (Unless you don’t like the beach, which is completely understandable. I used to loathe it.) BUT! I definitely am ready for a holiday. I’m aching for one. I just wish we could skip the process it takes to get there…

Now, to get off the couch of pouting and onto the motivation mobile and get packing! *sigh* (Excuse the cheesy metaphor, the holiday should ~~who am i kidding?!~~ cure that.) ;) I’m off to pack.

Grinding Gears

2011-09-07T19:36:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those days that feels ages long, but went by so fast. I got a lot done, but feel as though I accomplished nothing at all. Little things agitated me, but it wasn’t worth expressing that agitation because it would have been similar to a toddler having a temper tantrum over nothing. Did you ever have those days or am I a complete alien?

I’m missing the Northland. Mostly, I’m missing my life and my friends there. Even after yesterday’s revelation and sense of finality whilst visiting the school, I’m still missing it all terribly. I’m pretty sure I sat on the couch ~~pouting about~~ contemplating this for quite a while last night.

Coming to terms with the end of the old season and entering into a new one is always difficult. It’s a transition I’ve made enough times to shake a stick at, but this time it’s worse. This time it’s more real than anything previous. This time it’s harder to “get over”. Maybe because this past season was filled with more preciousness than anything else I knew before it? I don’t know.

I don’t think I want to “get over” it either. I want to process it, come to terms with it, take it one step at a time and deal with it. I loved this season. I grew this season. I needed this season. I want to and have begun to incorporate this season into the rest of my life. So how do you transition gracefully? Because time won’t slow down for me, nor will it skip this part and move me into the next part before it’s time.

I guess I’ll just have to take it one step at a time…

Where do I fit?

2011-09-06T17:45:00.001-07:00

This is my most pressing question. I went back to the school for a brief visit today and realised with a sense of finality that my time there is over, but raised this unyielding and unanswered question in my mind once more. My parent’s home isn’t home anymore and what I knew once to be home is no longer mine.

My mind was screaming contradictions today as I walked through the halls of the school and my heart was confused as to what to feel. What was once not okay, was okay and even celebrated, and what once was normal is no longer present. If that even makes sense.

Sadness, loneliness, mischievousness, love, reminiscence of memories, joy, all went through me at the same moment. It was like a hurricane of feeling. Some days, especially on days like this, I just hate feeling, but I’d rather feel like this than not at all. It’s a blessing, even when it doesn’t seem like it.

But now I am still left with the question. This question. I wish I had the answer today, but I know that it will be a process. Haha. Isn’t everything?

Me? Ha….yeah…

2011-09-01T20:55:00.001-07:00

I have a lot on my mind lately. Although, looking back through all of these posts, I seem to always have a lot on my mind. It seems that’s when I blog most, when I need to process things or simply decompress.

Hopes, plans, dreams. All of them are on the table right now. Reality is slowly making itself at home. I’m still unsure of how welcome a guest I will let it be. At least I’ve let it sit at the table with the others. I’m not a total ditz.

You know, it’s sort of funny. I used to think that I was an extrovert. *Shock* I know! It’s so silly because after a year and a half of self discovery, I have discovered that I am actually an introvert (with extroverted tendencies). I know, call me crazy, but I like me. ~~Sadly enough it took 1.5 years and multiple tests to boot me out of denial and into reality about this.~~

With this new knowledge I feel more at ease with myself. ~~Though it took months of fighting to finally accept the truth.~~ It seems as though after years of pushing myself, I’ve finally figured out and solved half of my problems with one simple step.

I am an introvert. I like it, but some days I find this new me a little bit overwhelmed with the thinking side of things. Like now for example, because I’m lost in thought and can’t seem to keep one train of thought from jumping off the tracks and onto another. It’s an endless affair.

Tonight though, I want to rest my thoughts early because this Random Girl needs to sleep. The excitement for the coming weekend coupled with the lightning storm didn’t make for a very restful experience last night. So I say, goodnight blog-o-sphere :) I’m glad you’re a part of my world. My introverted thoughtful world :)

Today I’m Thankful For

2011-08-29T14:05:00.001-07:00

The rain :)
The breeze blowing through the trees
A clean room
Colours such as pea green and navy blue
Hard cover books
A comfortable bed
A cup of coffee
A piece of chocolate to go with that cup of coffee
My nieces and nephews
Good conversation
Baby giggles
My friend Mims
Cantaloupe
Papa
Skirts
Lace
My guitars and the vibrations that a gentle strumming creates
Good teeth
Paper lanterns
Encouraging words

I think I’ll call him Martin…

2011-08-28T22:19:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we had an unexpected visitor come to the house. He arrived around 3pm and stood expectantly at the front door. He called in through the screen door and eagerly awaited a reply to his calls. He was a stranger to those dwelling in the house, but he seemed to feel otherwise towards us. He was convinced that he belonged, though we had never seen him before in our lives. He stayed quite a while and did not relent his calls through the door, though we tried convincing him to leave many a time, to no avail.

Our visitor was a small striped tabby cat who had piercing emerald green eyes and a tiny pinkish nose. He had four little paws and a slim tail that swept effortlessly back and forth. His calls were high pitched and his purrs were low and rumbling. He was not admitted entry into the house as my father is not particularly fond of this sort of creature, but was given some milk as the day was quite warm and he was quite young looking.

He stayed lounging on the back porch for several hours as we contemplated what exactly we were going to do. We did not come to a conclusion before we had to leave for our evening obligations. Whilst we were away he decided to visit someone else’s homestead and did not return to visit us again. I wish him well on his journey and hope he finds his way home relatively soon.

A Tune

2011-08-27T07:48:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine posted this on his blog and I cannot stop listening to it :) Hope you like it!

This Comprehension is Taking Time

2011-08-26T11:30:00.001-07:00

Today I feel like I’m walking in a dream, like all of this isn’t real. Is this really happening to me? Am I really living this right now or am I simply imagining this? It’s like reality hasn’t come to find me yet and I’m just wandering around searching for it.

Those two questions haunt me today. They repeat themselves over and over and over, like a broken record. I keep waiting to wake up, thinking that maybe all of this was just a dream and I am back to life before it all. I desperately hope not, because I like what has happened. I love what is currently happening in my life and I wouldn’t trade any of it away.

I just wish it would sink in.

A Stray Thought

2011-08-25T10:15:00.001-07:00

Within my vault of a mind I have a plethora of good ideas, posts, descriptions, thoughts, and wanderings. None of them seem to do today. None of them feel right. I can’t seem to concentrate anyhow because the sun is so gorgeously shining outside that I’m lost in the thought of wandering outdoors with a good cuppa to visit the garden. Instead, I am inside trying to avoid housework. Psh, I’d rather be outside avoiding my housework.

Re-thinking

2011-08-20T20:08:00.001-07:00

You ever get those moments in your life when you suddenly come to the realization that you have been thinking wrong in some way for the entire time frame of your existence? You know, the times when you fleetingly recognize the silliness of your thought processes! In my experience, they like to be recognized only after you’ve had to change the way you think.

I have had a lot of those kinds of moments lately. Most of them are coming to the surface because I realize that the way that I think now is not necessarily the same way that I have always thought. This stemming from my being back home again.

Thankfully a lot of these little moments, these mere fragments of recognition, have come when I am presented with the sudden awareness, like I previously stated, that I’m no longer thinking the way I used to. The way that I used to think wasn’t necessarily the right way and it makes me thankful to be thinking how I’m thinking now, because I am free. I wish words could convey the gravity of this awakening of sorts. *Sigh*

Hopefully you follow. If not, I would say skip to the end, but I haven’t written it yet and it probably won’t make sense unless you read the hereafter. So please, bear with me and my endless wanderings of thought. They’re random and like to flit about until spotting some sort of resting place which will hopefully present itself momentarily. My apologies.

I’ve found this last year and a half to be one filled with discovery. Discovery of me. Discovery of who the heck this Random Girl is and why she is the way she is. I’ve discovered a new confidence and comfort in my own skin. I’ve learned a lot through trial and error and came out all the better for it. I’ve come to think more positively and more clearly. I’ve come to think, not in the way that used to hold me back and tell me I couldn’t, shouldn’t, and wouldn’t, but in a new way that says wholeheartedly “YES!” and “Go for it!”, no matter what it looks like. I only hope that it continues, because I like this new way of thinking and I hope to flourish and grow in it.

I’m glad that I’ve been through what I’ve been. I’m glad to have come out the other end of this season better for it. Yes, there are days when I’m frustrated because I don’t have some epic discovery about myself or Papa every second of the day. Days where I’m sad because I’m no longer in the constant company of my closest and dearest of friends. But I also have days where I’m elated because I’m starting a new adventure. I’m scared out of my mind at the thought of that new adventure because I have no idea what it’s going to look like, but I have a new way of thinking. And you know what, it’s so much better than the old way.

A Good Place

2011-08-17T19:13:00.001-07:00

The lakeside. It’s a good place. Especially this lakeside.

I don’t exactly know where in Quebec it is located, but I’ve spent a few precious days there and would love to go back one day. The memories created at this lake will last forever in my mind, the people they were created with will be treasured in my heart for always. For me, this lake is a good place.

Where’s one of your good places?

Wandering Recognition

2011-08-16T11:02:00.001-07:00

Today my heart is experiencing pretty much every emotion known to man. I don’t know how to express them all at once. I don’t even know where to start. I guess I’ll just have to slow down a bit. That, I think, is a good idea, that way I can just try and focus on one at a time and slowly process each one. Key word: Try.

I have a little bit of time to think now though. I’m painting the trim at my sister’s place. It’s quiet, lonely, mindless sort of work that gives me plenty of room for thinking. For me painting is some sort of relaxing and that’s what I need right now, quiet relaxation.

So much has happened over the past year and a half. I cannot encapsulate it in words. It’s been a lifetime of experience and growth in those 19 months and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. In the course of that time, I’ve changed, become a new person. I’m not the old me anymore, thank God for that! My likes and dislikes have changed, my sense of humour has changed, but most of all my heart has changed and that is the best part :)

I’ve learned to become softer and I like that side of me. I used to not. I used to think that being tender and soft and gentle was a weakness. That it only got you stepped on and pushed around. Now I see it as a strength and being gentle is something that I aspire to be. I see that you can be strong and still tender. That to me is beautiful and I embrace it with all the willingness in the world.

Pondering Fatigue

2011-08-12T20:48:00.001-07:00

I could have slept all day. My “short” nap lasted 4 hours and waking up wasn’t what my mind or my body desired. I have come to the conclusion that sometimes catching up on life is a little more exhausting than one might anticipate. This exhaustion, this element is one that I have discovered to be surrounding me today. Although, I have to admit, it is less discovered and more like stumbled upon. It has caught me off guard with its unforeseen ferocity and intensity. Coming to this realization has given me insight and awareness of myself, but also left me wondering how I came to be in such a state. I think I just need another nap.

I Just Need A Plan!

2011-08-10T02:57:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of finding out where I belong again and it's just plain awkward. I've been on the road since the first of July and I'll be on the road for at least another week and a half. I just want to stop now. I just want to take a deep breath and be able to think a peaceful thought and not have to think about what's on the schedule for the next few hours. Only a little while longer.

This season in my life is aptly named "Transition" and boy is it a killer some days. I'm a planner and I prefer to know what the plan is. Unfortunately, I don't have a long term plan right now and that is driving me wild. I just want to know so that I have something to aim for, something to look forward to! The short term plan that's in place right now is just not enough to keep this girl satisfied. So I wait. I wait and I try to think of a plan.

Unfortunately, this is not the best time to try to think of a plan. Boo. I'm going through the monster that we travelers know quite well. The monster called "culture shock." I've been in at least 6 cultures since July 1st and they are now catching up to me. Let me tell you, this time, it's incredibly inconvenient as I'm not in a place where I can easily stop and take the time to deal with it. So, I'm emotional, over-tired, and on a roller coaster of sorts for the next little while. Not the greatest of times to be planning your future. *sigh* (Warning: My posting may reflect this up and down journey. I apologize in advance folks.)

But now it is very late in the night and I'm wired from the cup of coffee I had earlier. I feel free and careless. I'm going to regret being up this late when tomorrow morning rolls around, but right now I'm just happy to be writing. I'm happy to be finding this one little normal and consistent piece of life still here. Thankfully I have a laptop and decent internet access. It gives me a little bit of reprieve from the hectic-ness of my circumstances.

(Untitled)

2011-08-04T09:28:00.001-07:00

Today is a peaceful and pretty sort of day. It’s warm outside and there is a slight breeze to keep it from getting too hot. My thoughts drift around today, but seem to settle on one thing repeatedly. That’s okay, I like it. It’s a pleasant something.

Tomorrow begins another trip. I’ve been home for approximately 2 days and I’m off again. I didn’t really realise how much moving around I would be doing until I started talking about it yesterday.

I might take my camera along and document this whole shebang, but then again I seem to forget to take pictures a lot. I just get so wrapped up in the moment that a camera just seems to intrude. I guess we’ll just see how it goes.

Transition

2011-08-02T19:04:00.001-07:00

This blog has been neglected a bit lately. So much in my life has changed and is still in the process of changing that I haven’t had much time to write it.

I am back in North America after a beautiful three weeks in Germany. I miss Europe and all it’s picturesque-ness. I miss the way of life there. It was so wonderful.

I don’t miss the airport and all its delays, cancellations, lost baggage and stress that happened just trying to get home. THAT was not such a wonderful experience. I think I might have popped something in the process. It took me 3 days to get home in what should have taken me 1. Let’s just say that I won’t be flying Delta for quite a while, if ever again.

My internship in the Northland has ended. I said goodbye to my students and my beautiful friends from the past year and a half. My heart is heavy in that department. I miss my beautiful people. I have grown to love them and a piece of my heart went with each of them as we went our separate ways.

I moved back at my parents place, for the time being. This next month is going to be non-stop travelling, just like the last one. I think I might be here for less than a week total. Funny, I thought I would come home to “relax” and “not do much”. I guess “jumping back into the storm” is more like it. I don’t mind though. Busy-ness makes for a better distraction than boredom.

All in all, I think this is going to be a crazy season for me. I’m excited for the road ahead, yet shaking slightly in my boots because it’s all new and I have no idea what actually lies ahead. It will be a wild ride. Hopefully some of it gets splashed up here time and again.

Rainy Contemplation

2011-07-21T14:21:00.001-07:00

Today I went for pizza. I didn’t get any, but just went for the simple pleasure of getting out and about. Whilst we were sitting in the little shop, that has the best pizza I have ever tasted (because I snuck a piece of the guys), it started to rain.

It seemed like a movie. I watched as the people hurried and scurried by, dodging puddles and raindrops as they went. I watched as a young father ran down the road carrying his tiny son, doing his best to shield his son from getting wet. An older woman slimmed her body to avoid the dripping edges of her umbrella and a young child simply revelled in the rain drops as they splashed on her head, face, and bright pink slicker.

Right outside the pizza parlour was some construction. A large hole ran across the road and they had left the edges near the curb uncovered. It rained and then, like a flash, it poured. It rained so hard for so long that it filled up the hole, which was quite deep. We knew that we had to move on eventually, but by the time we left, the hole was nearly overflowing.

Splashing along in the rain made me think of home in the Northland. I’ll be there soon. I am sad to be leaving this place with these beautiful people who just ooze out love, but I am happy to be heading home. Home, where I will be back with my own beautiful people who also ooze out love.

I will never forget this place or what I’ve learned and experienced here. I’ve found a good thing here and I think I just might hold onto what I’ve discovered and carry it with me forever. I’ve had a lot of life questions answered, a lot of fears calmed, and a lot of worries quieted. This is a good place and one day, I hope to return.

The Pleasurables

2011-07-17T14:32:00.001-07:00

I’m tired early tonight, not unusual for an evening on a trip such as this. It’s just unusual for the night owl I’ve always been. My contacts are dried out and a little bit foggy. I should probably take them out, but my feet just don’t want to make the trek to the washroom to find my case and solution.

I’ve removed the tiny ponytail my hair is finally long enough to hold and press my head flat against the concrete wall. The feeling of simple satisfaction is a beautiful thing, one I have come to recognise and cherish. For example, wearing a fresh white tee straight after it’s been laundered. Simple, but very satisfactory.

This brings about a lovely little point. I am a simple girl and as such, the simplest of things make me happy. Things like a pretty skirt, light filtering through the trees on a summer day, a smile from a stranger, or a soft blanket. Each of these things give me simple joy and etch out the edges of my existence with light.

The uncomplicated things in life illuminate and breathe a certain sort of pleasure into my spirit. When I take time to look at these details, these fragments of goodness, a thankfulness begins to well up inside of me because I am lucky enough to notice them. These little things bring a sort of solace to my heart and fascination to my soul. I don’t exactly understand why I am so pleased by the simple things, but I choose not to dwell on it because I am happy.

So right now, I am content to sit here with my sparkling apple juice, soft blanket, and comfy pillow and just relax. I might even indulge myself and put on a little bit of Ludovico Einaudi. Tonight looks to be a very simple and very satisfactory sort of night.

The Expedition of the Day

2011-07-16T12:21:00.001-07:00

So we moved to a new city today. I already miss the old one. This one is more industrial and grey looking, although I’m a little biased and a very unfair judge due to the fact that all I have seen is the ride from the train station to where I’m staying. Plus, it’s raining and in a grey concrete based place, that always makes it look that much more bleak.

The train ride was beautiful though, as we saw much of the countryside. Many little villages dotted the horizon and the landscape was particularly green and happy looking today. The houses were quaint and the people waiting at the tiny stations we whizzed by were also just as quaint looking.

I’ve never been on such a train as I was on today. In the Northland, trains like that just don’t exist. It was fast, clean, and nearly silent. You could barely tell when it stopped. I loved it. I now agree with anyone who says travelling across Europe is better by train than by plane. I’d take a train like that over a plane any day of the week…and that includes weekends.

Anyhow, after a long day of travel and moving about I am very tired. The sleep is creeping up over the back of my mind and slowly taking over the forefront. Getting to a new place and meeting new people and trying to settle in is a little wearying. So with that said, I am off for an early sleep.

Good night from Europe.

A Random Girl

Sightseeing

2011-07-15T03:33:00.001-07:00

In Order:

-Parliament

-Berlin Wall Plaque

-Cathedral

-Alexanderplatz

-The Tele-Tower :)

My Own Sweet Time

2011-07-11T13:58:00.001-07:00

Today was our first full day off. It was beautiful. The more I see of this place the more I love it. We went out in the afternoon to see some sights. As we weren’t quite sure of the way to the central part of Berlin, we stayed within our little city within a city, Spandau. This tiny city is jam packed full of quaint old houses and picturesque historic buildings.

A group of us meandered through the streets and ended up trying some of the best tasting ice cream in the world! The Florida Eiscafe. Incredible. If you’re ever in Spandau, you have to try it!

We stopped at a small park to eat our frozen treats and discovered some great trees to climb. I was too busy climbing to get out my camera and take a picture of the magical looking trees, but I did get this shot from the park whilst I was seating eating my little heart out.

Later on, during the walk back “home”, we spotted this beautiful church being restored. The back garden was walled in and I was so curious to see inside. I peeked and the sight that greeted my eyes was a lush little green space. Unfortunately, I was too busy peeking through the hole in the wall to think of getting my camera out. So this is the only shot I have of the church. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go back and take some more scenic shots.

When we came back from our early afternoon frolic we dispersed throughout the building, for some peace and quiet time. I came across a keyboard in one of the side rooms and sat down for some quiet playing time. Whilst there I spotted this right outside the window! It totally topped off my afternoon of pleasure.

Tonight some of us decided to go out for a short leisurely walk. We stumbled upon some fireworks lighting up the evening sky and stopped to watch them. There was no particular reason for them, so I decided that they were set off just so that we could watch them on our relaxing day off in Spandau. Isn’t that just wonderful?

They say ‘silence is golden’…

2011-07-10T06:12:00.001-07:00

I have come to cherish the quiet times, to appreciate the stillness and the peace. I’ve come to recognize the silence of a moment as something beautiful and special. To be still and just feel the tranquility and quietude is admirable to me and has become a lifeline of sorts. The peace that passes all my understanding is something I require in this life, it's something I seek and want to fill my heart with.

Though I love the moments spent alone, to sit with someone and not say anything, but just be quiet and comfortable with them is also just as precious to me. To know that words are not needed, but just being together is enough.

Thousands of times I’ve seen older couples just sitting quietly together, saying nothing with words, but everything unspoken is heard so clearly. Simply saying nothing is understood and welcomed.

It reminds me of a scene in my memory from when my grandparents were both still living. I remember one night watching my grandmother just sitting next to her husband, faithfully watching over him. He had lost the ability to speak but he didn’t need to say anything. Every unspoken word was heard so clearly and words would only have spoiled the moment. Silence was cherished.

No one else in the world understood them as they spoke their unspoken language. It was all their own and it was beautiful to watch. I’ll remember it for my entire life. Maybe one day I’ll have my own unspoken words to say and my grandkids will see and cherish it as much then, as I do now. I hope so.

First Day Out

2011-07-05T08:02:00.001-07:00

So this morning we got our first look around town.The sun finally poked its head out to say hello, low and behold, this place is beautiful!

We saw some of the oldest buildings that I’ve ever been in! Some of them were from the 1500s, but there was one of the (bottom left) that was built in the 1300s. Many of these buildings just barely survived World War II. I feel so privileged to be here and I cannot wait to see more!

Settling…

2011-07-04T06:37:00.001-07:00

Myself and my team have arrived at the first stop of our trip. We’ll be here for 2 weeks before moving onto another city. Jet lag has come and is leaving on its own without much fuss.

We have a lot of work ahead of us over the next weeks, but for now we’re focused on settling in and getting comfortable with our new surroundings.

We’ve got a pretty sweet set-up as we have our own kitchen to cook in, a nice sleeping space, and hang out room for whenever we want it (pictured here).

Laughter is abundant and having fun is a must. An afternoon of hide and seek, dancing, and relaxation is just what we needed after all the traveling this past weekend. Plus, how else would we Americans on the team spend the fourth of July?!

Today we ventured out of our living space for the first time since arrival. It wasn’t much more than just a trip to the grocery store, but it was still nice to see a little bit of the town and the locals. It’s been raining all day, every day since we arrived and it is no different today.

I watched as the elderly women made their way to the store covering their heads with plastic head wraps and holding umbrellas aloft to avoid any sort of raindrop, lest it dampen their being. The cute little old men walked alongside them, collars up, hats atop their heads, feet weaving delicately carefully dodging the growing puddles.

Safely inside, away from the general wetness that abounds in the out-of-doors, I perch myself along the wall, smiling as my team enjoys each other’s company. It’s a good day today. I can’t wait to see what the rest of it holds.

Perspective

2011-07-02T04:22:00.001-07:00

So I’ve hit half an hour of free wi-fi in the airport I’m stopped over in and I’ve decided to take advantage of it. I must warn you though, I have had very little sleep and my mind is a bit of a mess so whatever comes out onto this page is duly affected.

I spent the last 6 or so hours in a cramped airplane flying from time zone to time zone. As I was flying out of the Northland, I looked back over the city all lit up and beautiful. Fireworks were going off for the holiday and they looked so small and low to the ground. I couldn’t help but think about how from the ground they look so large and high in the sky, but from the plane they looked so little and insignificant. This makes me think about perspectives and how just one small change in perspective can do so much in your life.

I don’t know how many times I’ve quoted this, but one of my previous bosses used to say “Perspective is reality.” And you know, I used to disagree with him, but instead of disagreeing I’ve modified his phrase to better fit what I believe.

I believe that Your perspective is your reality and what you make your reality comes out of your perspective. I’m trying to find out what this looks like in my life. Are there places in my perspective of life that could change?? I am very sure there are.

I ponder just how often I believe something just because that is my perspective. It may not be the truth, but in my head it’s the reality that I live by. Until I find out and choose to believe the truth, I’ll continue living by my perspective and my created reality rather than the truth.

Just some thoughts…

Flying Out

2011-07-01T18:43:00.001-07:00

My head is full and my heart is happy. I can’t help but smile.

I’m sitting here in the airport about to fly out for my trip. It’s busy, as it is a holiday here in the Northland. Everyone is rushing around for the long weekend and looking like they’re ready for relaxation, once the airport craziness is over with of course.

I am ready for adventure and seem to have a “bring it on” sort of attitude. Except at this very moment, all I can do is wait. Wait for my plane, wait for my team, wait for them to call my name. I seem to glance at the clock every few moments, waiting it to move a little bit forward. All I can do is wait and bide my time. I wish the clock would move faster, but I don’t want to miss anything. How interesting.

Oh well.

I guess I will see you on the other side of things. I don’t know when I will next be able to blog as internet access is sketchy. I will be gone for a month, but I hope not to be gone from here for that long. Until next time, many blessings.

Back in the Northland

2011-06-29T14:03:00.001-07:00

For a few short days I am back, before I set out on another overseas adventure! I am endlessly happy to see my friends and hug them once again.

It’s hitting me a little bit more each moment that I’m here how much I love this place and these beautiful people and just how much I am going to miss them. Just being in the same room with them is enough to make everything inside of me swell with happiness. I guess all I needed was to be away, even for a few days. It just makes me appreciate things and people so much more.

Peace and Dreams

2011-06-28T22:28:00.001-07:00

I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. Something is keeping me awake and I have yet to put my finger on it. I finally feel a little bit at peace with certain things, but I’m still a little bit scared that I’m going to lose what I have worked so hard and so long to gain. Deep down I know that I won’t, but that small nagging voice of worry says otherwise. I hate that voice. So I’ll ignore it tonight. Now is not the time to worry anyhow. I have too much to do and before all that, I must figure out how to sleep.

I listen to the piano softly chime along and wonder if I’ll ever be able to play as beautifully, as effortlessly as I hear and imagine it to be. It brings a sparkle with every note and seems to entice me to dream a little easier and hopefully a little sooner.

My eyes droop and my head becomes too heavy on my shoulders. Yet the very moment I close my eyes and lie my head down, I am aware of each and every thought of the day as it walks past my memory through the pathways of my mind. So, I choose to imagine tranquility.

I imagine myself to be on a small boat floating across a moonlit lake. I imagine that the steady whooshing of my heart is the gentle lapping of the waves on the sides of the boat. The piano music lulls me further into my peaceful dreaming. I can feel the warmth of the blankets wrapping me tightly in their arms as though they were a warm and gentle breeze. I effortlessly float across the water and as I watch the moon I am reminded of a scene from a movie I once watched and a memory I once made. I hold on to that memory for a moment longer and finally I am drawn towards sleep.

Kayaking At Home

2011-06-28T17:41:00.001-07:00

Home?

2011-06-25T09:31:00.001-07:00

So I spent all this time thinking about going home, wondering how it would be. I packed all my belongings from a year and a half into 3 boxes, 2 rubber tubs, 2 small bags, and a set of plastic drawers. My parents came, as I am moving back for the time being, and drove me here. But I seem to be awkwardly out of place.

It isn’t officially over up in the Northland. I still have a month left at the school, but it is a month spent travelling. It’s a month away from my friends who I’ve spent every single day of the past year and a bit with. It’s crazy how much I already miss them and we’ve only been apart for a few hours.

All of this is surreal. I feel like I’m just sitting here, watching myself go through the motions of unpacking and reorganizing. It’s hard to be back in my old room, amongst all this stuff, knowing that none of it is going back. I’m not moving “home” again. Because that is what it became. Home. However temporary it was, it still became that for me. And I miss it.

I guess the saying “Home is where your heart is” really is true…

A Little Rain on Top

2011-06-23T08:53:00.001-07:00

I love, love, love the rain! I’ve talked endlessly about it on this blog, especially early on. It’s one of my favourite features of nature and late last night it honoured me with the pleasure of it’s company.

Right around midnight the heavens opened up and poured out barrels of rain on the Northland! It had been muggy all evening and the clouds were close and heavy. To be honest I didn’t think it would rain that hard, but I underestimated. It was pretty much torrential.

The pounding on the roof was so loud that it forced me to look outside to see the wondrous thing that was making all that racket. From my singular window I could see the puddles speedily forming on the street below and I knew that I just couldn’t stay inside. I was at that moment about to share my thoughts on the subject to a friend, but he was already thinking what I was. In the next moment we were outside dancing and jumping and splashing in the rain!

We got absolutely drenched and chilled to the bone. The beauty that was the rain had cooled itself significantly on the way down and had in turn chilled us as well. It was perfect. Soaking wet, we returned indoors laughing and smiling like children and made ourselves a cup of tea. It made for a much needed break from packing and a perfect end to the day.

A Thrilling Apprehension

2011-06-21T12:26:00.001-07:00

I don’t know what to write. It seems that my posts have been all the same lately, all about leaving this place, moving on, moving out. I just can’t get that off my mind. Each moment of the day these adverse little blips pop up on my radar and mess with my head.

I’m excited to be leaving, but so scared. I have no plan. I have no solid ideas about what I want to do or where I want to go. I don’t want to be a floater by any means, wandering aimlessly through life, but I don’t want to be too tied down either. What if I take something and something better comes a long?! What if what I thought I wanted isn’t what I really want and I’m left screwed over?

I know I will be alright. I’ve got a firm foundation, but I’m still concerned about the looming “what if”. I could do so much, but nothing I seem to have lined up hits home for me. Or am I just writing things off because I’m looking for something to smack me solid in the gut saying “Pick me. I’m the right thing.” Am I being selfish by thinking there could be something better? Should I just take what’s in front of me and stop faffing about?! *sigh*

I just wish life was simple right now. It’s not and it won’t be. It never really is, but isn’t there something that will help me settle for at least a minute!? Nothing I try seems to work. Gah…

Sometimes adventures are just scary…

Sugar and Fire

2011-06-15T13:37:00.001-07:00

It’s almost the end of the day and everyone knows it. No one wants to work for the last few minutes, so no one is. We have run out of small tasks and don’t want to start on the bigger ones that take up hours of your day. Let’s save that for tomorrow. The boredom and general restlessness has overtaken us and we have resorted to foolishness.

When these days arrive and you have an entire office full of interns who have the same problem, you end up with ridiculous events. We’ve resorted to playing with caps and eating dollar store candy like children. In order to escape any overseers coming down too hard, we keep things lively with flattery and laughter. All are appeased.

I work in heaven (Today anyways)

The Lion Slug

2011-06-14T09:18:00.001-07:00

A surprise guest at my “summer” afternoon barbeque. Needless to say, he didn’t stay long.

Only A While Longer

2011-06-12T19:44:00.001-07:00

Tonight, as I was walking back home from the coffee shop down the road, I could not help but reminisce a bit about my year and a half here in the Northland. I realized that I would probably not walk that route again unless I visited and purposefully walked it “just for memory’s sake”.

As I crossed the bridge I felt the breeze whirl amidst my hair and press against my face as it rose up from the highway below. I watched for one last time as the plane descended directly above my head to the waiting runway lit up just in the distance. I enjoyed the sight of the airport and city lights sparkling and shining so clearly in the dusk. The softness of the summer air, which smelled familiarly of jet fuel and fresh bread, reminded me of former days.

This time in my life is so beautiful, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. The smiles, laughter, and love of my friends makes each moment special and worth remembering for a lifetime. I will never forget these people. I will never forget this place. It has changed my whole world and most of all it has changed me.

Thursday Nights

2011-06-09T15:59:00.001-07:00

I’m heading to a place that I never actually want to be, but am obligated to attend on a weekly basis. Usually by the end of the night I feel happy that I was there, but it takes every ounce of motivation that I can scrape up to make myself go in the first place.

I’m supposed to be a good example. I’m supposed to be happy to be there and looking like I’m enjoying myself. I’ve learned to cover most of the frustration with a good laugh or plenty of drama, but tonight I just plain don’t want to go. Tonight I don’t feel like putting on a good face or being a good example.

I want to be free. I want to go outside and sit amongst the flowers and the grass and the trees. I want to watch the sun set and watch the last of the wispy clouds float past. I want to have a long conversation with a good friend about something outside of my little work world.

Well, they’re starting and I should be there. I guess I’ll just post this and go. Wish me luck and lots of grace. <3

To You

2011-06-08T20:26:00.001-07:00

I write to relax. I’ve toyed with the idea of writing something substantial, but each time I come upon the idea the image of actual work looms over my head. To try and come up with a solid storyline or something interesting just defeats any motivation I might have once mustered up.

One day I will write something. Who knows what it will be or how it will turn out, but one day I will write something that someone would want to read whilst sipping on their Starbucks. I have ideas, I have thoughts, I have words that I would like someone to enjoy reading while they relax on a Saturday afternoon somewhere around the world.

But for now I am more than content to jot down these ideas and thoughts onto this blog. I am happy to read the comments that my posts produce. Whether they be positive or negative comments, because that means someone thinks what I write is worth their time to read and send their thoughts to me about. I am happy to have readers.

So thank you. Thank you for reading my blog and putting up with the mess of words that come out, most of which are jumbled up and in mid-process. Thank you for giving feedback and encouragement and letting me know that you’re there. Thank you for helping me relax. :)

That Sort of Weekend

2011-06-05T15:11:00.001-07:00

The weather is beautiful outside and I am several shades darker since my last post. I am pleased with this result and wish to spend more time cultivating it.

The days have been spent outside. The picnic benches are in constant use during mealtimes and the parks nearby are more frequently visited. My favourite pastime is to lie under the trees on a blanket watching the world go by. I haven’t been able to do that as often as I wish it, as the urge usually comes around 3pm and my workday lasts slightly longer than that.

Yesterday, although overcast and rainy, was one of my favourite days yet. The entire day was spent having fun with friends. No work. No stress. No deadlines. No bosses. We played cards in a coffee shop, went on a long walk, had an impromptu bbq, and watched Braveheart until we found our own happy ending rather than the actual one.

Today is filled with sunshine and a pleasant tranquility. As I write I am tempted to nap a bit. I may, just because it is that sort of day and it would be a wonderful closing to a marvelous weekend.

Some Qualities of Life

2011-06-01T20:48:00.001-07:00

Inspiration. It seems to come and go when it pleases these days. There is nothing to entice it to stay for a certain amount of time, it just seems to have a restless soul and a mind of its own.

Lately it likes to get up in leave in the middle of a thought. It particularly likes to do so whilst I’m in the middle of a blog post. I cannot retain it for long. It likens itself to a handful of water, the tighter you squeeze the more it rushes to the cracks and leaps out. The harder I try to be inspired, the harder it is to become such.

It’s sibling Imagination and cousin Day-dream like to visit me at the most inconvenient of times, like in the middle of a very important yet dry and boring meeting. They seem to whisk my thoughts away as if they were leaves rushing and tumbling along the dry ground on a windy fall day. To catch them again hours later is like trying to find one particular sardine in an entire school of identicals.

Boredom visits more frequently and has decided to plop himself down right in the middle of my being. Along with him he brings Impatience, an irritating friend. They sit together, unwelcome and unwilling to leave.

Challenge seems to be running ahead of me, far of in the distance of time. He’s stopped for a bit, but isn’t taking his time in waiting for me to get there. I can barely see him anymore as he uneasily shifts from foot to foot, ready to run again.

But through it all, Trust has been there. She doesn’t hesitate to remind me that she’s there. She’s not shy at all. Although sometimes I do forget to use her as often as I should. Lately more and more so. But she brings along with her Faith and Hope, who are the loveliest of friends.

And Love. She is steady as a mountain and strong as an oak tree. Even when I doubt her and put her on a shelf, she never leaves on her own. She’s like that cat that always comes home….no matter how many times you give her away.

Sometimes I forget about the good things and complain about the bad more often than I should, but I always want to love, trust, and have faith and hope. Through the hardest of times or the easiest of times, I want to be known as someone with these qualities, even if the others escape me time and again.

Squirrel-ish

2011-05-30T15:08:00.001-07:00

So much has happened in the past few days that I feel slightly overwhelmed at the thought of trying to cram it all in one post. I’ll save you the confusion and massive onslaught of information and just say it’s been great. Actually, scrap that, I’ll just give you a bulleted list of the changes over the past while:

I’ve finally seen and hugged the breath out of my best friend after 1 year of separation. We spent the weekend just basking in each other’s presence
My lovely truck dropped it’s muffler in the street and refuses to pick it up for a while :(
I’ve seen the Egyptians again after quite a long period of time.
My wonderful outreach partner and beautiful team bought me a birthday cake and we celebrated by eating it in a blanket & chairs fort and doing the Interlude Dance, twice
I’ve kissed the faces of one of my beautiful nieces and two of my adorable nephews
I’ve bought a bottle of bright pink nail polish
I’ve gotten more of a tan because the good weather seems to follow me wherever I am
I took a leisurely walk with my mother and brother around the block back at my mom’s place and enjoyed every second of sunshine, companionship, and conversation that emanated from that experience.
The boys have been honoured <3
I spent a weekend at a farm
I taught K (from England) how to fish and he promptly caught 2!
I realized my sense of humour has changed
I’ve injured my right foot whilst playing football (soccer), but am VERY thankful that it isn’t broken! Unfortunately, that scraps all football playing in the near future for this Random Girl.
I saw a slug the size of my middle finger, fat as my thumb, and spotted like a leopard and wondered how it came to be perched on the bristles of the brush on my grill
And….I noticed that I’ve only used punctuation for half of these bullet points. Cool :)

That’s me in a nutshell!!!

Almost the End

2011-05-25T19:20:00.001-07:00

Tonight I sit pondering my days. I only have a few more weeks here at the school. It makes me sad to think about leaving, but excited at the same time. I know that my season here is coming to a close, but I will miss all the people who have made this time so wonderful.

I will miss the amazing friendships and the deep conversations. I will miss the laughter and the utter ridiculousness that goes on around here. I will miss seeing the familiar faces every day. I will miss being together with my friends and all the “doing nothing” that happens.

I’ll miss tea time, coffee break, office snack time, small group, watching movies all cuddled up together, and just spending time with these precious people. I’ll miss the inside jokes and the outward expressions. And I’ll miss the random and sometimes awkward, but totally funny, conversations.

But I am ready. I am ready to take what I have learned and share it with others. I am ready to live my own life again. I want to see the exciting things that are planned for me, for my life. This season has been incredible and I have personally grown far beyond my expectations. I have been stretched to the limit, pushed beyond my comfort zone, and had so many once in a lifetime experiences. But I am ready for the next season, whatever that may be.

While I have these few precious weeks left I am determined to cherish them fully. I want to look back on this time knowing that I have finished as well as I had started. That’s something my dad always taught me, “It’s not how you start, but how you finish that matters. Finish well.” And I so want that for this time here.

I want to appreciate every last relationship. I want to spend time with the people that I love. I want to soak up every little experience that I have. I want to enjoy the details and relish in the little things. I want to be thankful and thoughtful, because this time won’t last forever and it won’t come around twice. I want to live it good the first time, because the first time is the last time and it’s worth the effort.

Summertime!

2011-05-21T16:21:00.001-07:00

The red polish on my nails is chipping and I feel the urge to splash on another coat. It’s colour makes me feel sophisticated and chic. It also has this strange ability to make me feel girly and summery.

Today I’m feeling particularly summery, as the weather is cooperating for the first time in weeks! The sun is finally back from it’s spring holidays and the rain has moved on to some other part of the country, at least for now.

I’ve got an orange crush in my hand, my turquois top on, a tan line (freshly attained), and my “new” flip-flops. They’re “new” as of last year because my old faithful’s finally bit the dust. They’ll probably be my “new” flip-flops until I wear them out and get a “new, new” pair of flip-flops to replace them.

The background on my laptop is even summery looking and that makes me happy. Soon I’ll be off to meet some of my best friends for an evening of relaxing and chilling out and that is the icing on the cake to my summery day :) Hope your day was just as nice as mine!

Dearest,

2011-05-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

Today is a pretty crappy day, but in the lowest of moments I hear Your voice telling me that it’s all going to be okay. Telling me, “just let Me love you” in the sweetest of ways.

You remind me of the times when I simply played music for You, in the most innocent of days. Those days without all the performance and overthinking weighing down on me. You bring to my memory all those precious moments when I sat with Your hands on mine and we stroked each key, softly playing a mellow and soothing tune. I long for that time again.

You are my saving grace. My strength when I am weak. My love. One that never gives up on me, even when I tell You that You should. Today is a hard day, but with You here with me I know I will come out the other end. On days like this, I feel Your love especially strong, awakening memories of yesterday and calling me into the adventure that is tomorrow.

Love,

Your Random Girl

May 19th, 2011

2011-05-19T13:30:00.001-07:00

Today is an important day in my life and I am very thankful for it.

Reasons?

It’s my sister’s birthday
My brother & best friend flies back home from Asia (I haven’t seen him since August of 2010)
It’s almost Friday and the weekend is coming
The kitchen is finally clean
My room is tidy and smells of vanilla, lavender, and lilac
I have fresh clean sheets on my bed
My fingers and toes have bright red polish on them
The sun is back after a week of vacation (the rain filled in during it’s absence)
I went to a cute little coffee shop this morning
I have an all around good feeling about the day
There is a slight breeze outside
I took a life languages test and am awaiting it’s results
The knowledge that there is life outside of this internship

Serenity

2011-05-17T20:51:00.001-07:00

After a long day of ups and downs and crazy business I am ready to relax. So here I sit on the floor of the walkway in my room with a solitary package of Oreos and some Kings of Convenience for company.I am content, seemingly spellbound whilst watching the 7 candles I’ve lit flicker and bounce their warm light off the walls.

I think of nothing in particular, preferring instead to let my mind wander over anything that happens to “alight upon my mind” to use an all too familiar phrase. I dream of days ahead, wondering what my life will look like about this time next year. Where will I be? Who will I find myself surrounded by? I reminisce days gone by, some happily and others not so much, but each one brings a lesson learned and a memory made.

I take slow, deep breaths that bring a calm to my entire being and let me know I am still here. The rhythms of my heart beat steadily and gently against my temples, giving me a sense of consistency. It’s faithful and gentle pulse makes me think about music and how I have a natural beat, whether or not I try.

My eyelids faintly flutter as my eyes close, concentrating on the sound of my heart gently whooshing the blood in and out and in and out. I can hear the sound of my eyelashes as they softly brush up against each other. I am finally at ease and I can sleep.

A Perfect Sunday Afternoon

2011-05-14T12:27:00.001-07:00

As I sit here, rained in on a Saturday afternoon I cannot help but let my thoughts drift back to the two weekends past. The weather these past couple of weeks has been absolutely beautiful and the weekends have been perfect. I’ve especially the lazy Sunday afternoons filled with sunshine, friends, and nothing particular on the agenda other than having a good time.

There is a small park down the road from where I live. It’s a miniscule slice of nature in an overly industrial zone, but I love it. I’ve spent the past two Saturdays and Sundays there soaking in all that spring has to offer. (Including getting a good start on a tan)

Last week myself and three good friends walked home after spending the early evening there. As we walked the sun began to set and we came upon this little swamp thing. It was so beautiful that I had to take a picture and this is how I saw it.

It’s nature trying its best in the big city. Thankfully you can’t really make out the buildings in the background so it looks as though you are staring at the sunset on a summer field. Of course, you’ll have to use your imagination for that one, but hey, you’ve got to survive here somehow.

To My Love

2011-05-04T20:34:00.001-07:00

Sometimes the very essence of You is the stillness I feel wholly enveloping me as I linger in Your presence. The feeling with which I love You cannot be expressed in music, in words, or in action. It is just inexplicable, yet I still desire and attempt to explain it.

There are moments with which my deepest most passionate love wells up and overwhelms my body and soul as my heart cries out desperately to You. I feel as though I might explode. I heard a line in a *movie once that said “I feel as if my skin is the only thing keeping me from going everywhere at once” and so far, this is the nearest to accurate description pertaining to these sort of feelings that I have found.

At other times the gentle softness of love simply flows from my heart to Yours. If I wait and do not hasten away, I feel Your steady stream of love pouring into me. It’s always been there, never dammed up, never ceasing. It’s something I can rely on, knowing that it will never ever stop. Ever.This silent exchange of love is enough for me and I cannot help but love You.

You loved me first and have loved me since forever, but that is not the only reason I love You. I love You because of who You are. Again, I find that I am at a loss for words to explain this reasoning, but You know me. You understand. I love You because of that too.

I just love You and I know You love me. I love our love story and I never want it to end. Ever. Okay?

Love,

Your Random Girl

*Ever After

The Gift of Artwork

2011-05-03T18:43:00.001-07:00

So recently some of the interns from down the hall have bestowed upon us girls a painting, which we promptly hung above our “nook” (if you could even call a chair and table squashed into a corner a nook). It goes nicely with the colour scheme in that section of the room, which consists of one red wall on the left hand side.

I love paintings. They seem to me, to be one of the prettiest and most amazing expressions of creativity. Each brush stroke brings a new detail to be discovered in the whole. Each stroke is incredibly important and brings the painting together in such an indescribable way. One day I plan to own wall after wall of them. I currently own 3 and desire to expand my collection.

I’m not very picky as to whose paintings I would like or actually do own. Any painting that catches my eye is perfect, no matter the artist. And you know, I always admire those who can paint well. Some days I wish I was gifted with this ability, but this particular girl is a writer and musician…to say I’m an artist is just stretching it.

So, these are the two paintings that currently reside with me and my roomies.One of these paintings (the lower one) was painted as a gift for us from one of our previous students and was promptly and precariously “hung” on the ceiling, straight above my closet door. I absolutely love these two pieces, especially the bottom one. They just dazzle me with their creativity and life.

The third in my collection, of which I sadly do not have a photograph of, is back at my parents house not being looked at. I miss it and shall enjoy the daily sight of it again when my year here is up.

In short, I love paintings. What kind of art do you like?

Imaginary Tastebud Tantalization

2011-04-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

My hunger for something flavourful is driving me insane. I'm just sitting here at the end of the work day dreaming of nacho chips, melted cheese, guacamole, and other salty delights to my tastebuds. I've had a long day filled with tasteless items, such as cafe rice and veggies. Yuck. This girl is ready for a flavour adventure, maybe something exotic, or maybe just nachos and cheese.

The Aftermath

2011-04-25T08:56:00.001-07:00

So many things are swirling around inside of me. My thoughts continually jump from thing to thing, person to person, and back again. The memories of this weekend keep rising up, pushing others out of the way, only then to be replaced by yet another memory.

The exhaustion from the weekend whirlwind of a conference has finally caught up with me. My eyes just want to shut and my head longs for the pillow. The silly thing is, it’s only 11:40 am. I have nearly succumb to that feeling. You know the one. The feeling when the top of your head just gets so heavy that your neck cannot seem to hold it up anymore.

I just want to cuddle under the covers and have a good nothingness conversation or maybe one about the goings on in the world that is passing me so quickly by. I am so close to abandoning my plans for the day to do so, but I cannot. I’m a restless and social being and have places to be and people to see.

So here I sit, closed off for just a moment longer from the little world I live in. I’m almost ready to venture out of my room and take an afternoon trip to a nearby friend’s home. Almost. Just a few more sips of coffee, a spritz of perfume, and a last minute check for anything I might need and I’ll be off for the day. Only a second more to collect my thoughts and I’ll be ready. Almost.

Conference Season High

2011-04-22T05:56:00.001-07:00

Life is getting busier by the moment. This weekend we have the biggest conference of the year (planning wise) and as per every conference, the students have work duties to attend to and my co-workers and I “attend” to the students. This time around we (myself and co-workers) have a lot more responsibility. It’s good, but just the slightest bit more frustrating when you have to be everywhere at once. But through it all, I genuinely love it :)

I love conference time. Things happen and I love to be involved in it. You feel like all the work you’ve been doing is paying off right before your eyes. I’m an instantaneous sort of girl and like quick-you-can-see-things-unfolding/growing/happening/paying off-right-now sort of results. I don't have one of those “in it for the long run” personalities. I like to see things happen! And conferences, well, they have a physical way of showing you all the hard work that has been happening behind the scenes and leading up to it was totally worth it.

I get an adrenaline rush when things go wrong, need a solution and I get to problem solve. I love knowing the answers to peoples questions and being a solution to peoples problems. Even the simplest of answers to the simplest of questions like “Yes, the washrooms are straight inside, to the left, and underneath the stairs” makes me feel like I’m helping.

Plus, (complete side not here) I love wearing the little badges and having a walkie-talkie and looking important. Inside, I’m a total kid that way.

I love the buzz of the people as they stream excitedly around you. The craziness, but complete organization of registration, seminars, and sessions make me happy. I love being in the moment and being involved. I also love being in charge or at least helping with decision making/leading in some form, even if it’s just deciding what sign goes where on the wall. I get my own little sense of satisfaction out of that.

So if you see me running around, stop me and ask me where the washrooms are…you’ll make my day :)