Some days I wonder if it will all work out. Will all my plans go accordingly? My mind continually feeds its own concerns and thoughts with the phrase “Nothing is certain.”
Honestly, no one can tell me how my life is going to work out and I don’t really know if I would want to know, if I had the option. But some days I wish I could see ahead a little bit and be reassured that I’m alright. That I’m on the right course, so to speak.
My life is not one of normality and I’ve learned that nothing is what it seems. There is always something else to be seen behind what you initially see, good or bad. Behind my “plans”, which are more like abstract ideas, there is always a wishing for good and a safety in case something bad happens. I don’t know why I do that, but I do.
I often wonder at mankind. I marvel at the complexity with which we as human beings are comprised. We are not simple, but we are. All we want is love, security, and the basics of life. Yet, we are driven so often by so many unseen factors that we don’t recognize that we are just looking for the simple things.
Sometimes I ponder what lies behind my own thoughts and actions. I wonder what is motivating me to make these choices, say these words, and act upon them. What makes me choose to go on a walk in the middle of a freezing rain? What makes me talk about things I would rather not? What makes me play guitar for hours on end?I have not yet begun to discover all of who I am, let alone say I have one little piece of the market on knowing others. I imagine that I will not wholly know myself by the time my life is complete, but I am willing to find out what I’m made of between here and there. I know that I will find out unpleasant things, but I so desire to find the good, shine it up, and share it. Although things may never be what they seem, I want to be honest, real, and good. Even if I don’t know what’s coming ‘round the bend.